Feeling burdened by your mental load? These seven tips can help

Even if you're not familiar with the term mental load, chances are you'll know firsthand what it's like to experience. 

It's the unseen mental burden associated with juggling work, family and running a household. It's exhausting unpaid work, and disproportionately falls to women in heterosexual relationships.

It includes everything from making sure the kids' permission slips are signed and their dentist appointments made, to keeping tabs on fridge inventory and whether there's enough clean laundry for work.

It's. A. Lot.

But there are ways to even the load and take off the pressure.

Reach out for help

The constant organising, list-making and planning we do to manage life and that of those dependent on us can lead to stress, overload and exhaustion (both mental and physical).

Identifying that you feel burdened by your mental load is the first step in making changes for the better. And seeking help is crucial if it's impacting your emotional and physical wellbeing.

It was a meltdown over eggs that made mum-of-two Anna realise she had tipped into parental burnout, and she sought help from a psychologist.

"My husband had used the last of the eggs," she says.

"I was just standing at the fridge with the door open, slapping my head, [saying], 'I can't remember every single effing thing — I can't be everything to everybody, I can't do this'.

"I'm not just tired, I'm upset. It's not just, 'Oh, I need to have a lie down'. I'm really struggling just to hold thoughts and get through the day." 

Offload time-consuming tasks

Maggie Dent, host of ABC podcast Parental As Anything, recommends reassessing how your time is spent. For her it was folding laundry. And she decided to just not do it anymore.

"One day … I realised it took me an hour to fold up the washing," the mum-of-four says.

"That was a really big chunk of my day that I wasn't able to go and do something for me.

"From then on, I just threw the clean washing on a spare bed and told [the family] they had to find their own clothes — it became a lucky dip bed.

"I found I was able to do the thing that really nurtured me, and that was make a cup of tea and sit down with my dogs in the garden."

Split up tasks (equally)

A frank conversation with your partner about division of labour is a good way to make changes.

You might like to create a spreadsheet together so you can equally divide tasks (and the mental load each task involves). It's something freelancer Michelle Law did before she and her boyfriend moved in together.

"[We] discussed what chores we preferred taking on and used that data to create a colour-coded spreadsheet: yellow tasks are mine, blue tasks are David's, and green tasks we complete together (for example, meal plans)."

Owning this chore would involve three steps: conceiving (making a mental note that your chore needs doing), planning (e.g. making sure there's cleaning products) and then execution of the task.

Outsource whatever you can

If both partners in your relationship work, outsourcing what you can is one way of cutting down on housework.

Justine Alter, a psychologist who specialises in life transitions and work-life balance, suggests working couples ask themselves: "What does your budget allow? Can you get a cleaner?"

You can even outsource without spending a cent by making a reciprocal arrangement with friends or family members.

"It might be sharing a load with a neighbour, or babysitting a friend's kid one night and another night they'll babysit your kids," Ms Alter suggests.

Put boundaries around your workload

Do extra 'little' jobs keep being added to your workload? Dr Zali Yager recommends setting up boundaries to reduce your load.

"Are there any projects, tasks, or things that aren't really a part of your job description, but you do them anyway? Could you put boundaries around tasks that seem limitless — like spending one hour a day responding to emails, rather than having the expectation that you will do it all of the time?"

Meet your own needs

Practising self-care can feel like a job in itself, but Dr Yager says "we need to give ourselves the permission to engage in the sort of self-care that will re-build our self-worth, and benefit our mental health".

That might be doing something creative that you love, mindfulness, meditation, journalling, or exercise — without feeling guilty. Speaking of guilt:

Let go of 'shoulds'

Dr Yager also says to ask yourself what societal expectations you've absorbed you 'should' be doing and absolving yourself of some of them.

"What expectations do you have about what a 'good mother' does. Are they serving you? Or do you constantly feel guilty for not living up to them?

"Think about one or two things you could let go of (hint: the need for perfectly curated lunch boxes is probably a good starting point)."